


To Wish Impossible Things

by JoinTheDots



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bittersweet, Character Death, Detailed descriptions of grief, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Immortality, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:39:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28931889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoinTheDots/pseuds/JoinTheDots
Summary: Deep desperation drives Loki to seek out Doctor Strange in order to save his beloved. However, magic always has a cost.
Relationships: Loki/Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 50





	To Wish Impossible Things

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic years ago but have updated it to fit in with the last two Avengers movies. Enjoy!

**2024**

Loki watches the rain on the windows. He feels his chest rise and fall, as he stares at water running down the glass. He can hear nothing else except for the steady sound of his breath and drops of rain. 

Loki rolls in the bed and looks across at the side table. He notices that he placed the photo of Tony and himself downwards so he could not see it. He gently reaches across and lifts up the frame, sitting it up right. _There_. Now he can see the photo of them clearly. He must have pushed it away… again… after he drank too much last night.

He rubs his tongue across his teeth and gently pushes himself up. His mouth tastes horrid and his head is pounding. He needs to stop drinking every night. They told him alcohol would not be helpful. It’s a slippery road towards something worse. Tony would have not approved. _I know I said you were self-destructive but even this is a bit much_ he’d say. 

Loki misses Tony’s voice desperately. He rubs his hand across his face and wanders into the bathroom. He turns on the sink tap and puts his hands underneath the water. He leaves his hands for a moment before cupping them together and leaning down to splash water in his face. He rubs his face and reaches for the towel near the sink, patting his face dry before he looks up into the mirror. Loki barely recognises himself. Red, tired eyes look back at him. 

_Oh how the mighty have fallen._ He thinks and frowns. His hair is a mess, his skin pale and dull. He looks like death. Loki takes a shaky breath and makes a promise to get dressed and leave his room today.

Loki ends up in the kitchen of the headquarters after his shower. He can hear lively conversation until they see him and fall silent. The Asgardians in the kitchen look away, glancing towards the corner or out the window at the snow that is beginning to fall. 

Brunnhilde is there. She is the only one to meet his eye. Brunnhilde clears her throat and gets up to walk over to the sink. The others move out of the way, quickly finding excuses to leave the room. 

“Would you like anything?” she asks, trying not to look concerned. Loki nods and avoids looking at the tightness around Brunnhilde’s mouth. He does not want sympathy today. 

Brunnhilde goes about making him a cup of tea. She pulls a cup out of the cupboard and moves towards the kettle simmering away on the stove. Loki walks to the table and sits down. There are piles of bread, cheese and fruit scattered in front of him. 

Brunnhilde clears her voice and asks, “Would you like breakfast as well?”

“No... No, thank you,” Loki replies. Part of him wants to make a snarky comment about a Valkyrie making tea but he chooses to keep his mouth shut. His hangover is telling him he needs to drink something other than alcohol. 

Brunnhilde nods and turns back to the kettle. She glances around and notices all the other Asgardians have made themselves scarce. Loki understands they are reluctant to spend a lot of time in his presence. They blamed him for what happened. When Thanos boarded their ship after Asgard had been destroyed, Loki knew they had been tracked down because of the tesseract. Loki had quietly given Thor the tesseract as a bargaining chip and snuck out, knowing Thanos in particular was out for his blood. He heard whispers of what had happened days later. Half of his people murdered, their bodies left floating in space. Loki had underestimated Thanos’s bloodthirst as he had hoped the tesseract would grant mercy. 

He should have left it back in Asgard to be destroyed by Surtur. If he had done that, Tony would probably still be alive. 

Brunnhilde quietly places the cup in front of him. “Thor wants to speak to you,” she says, giving him a short smile. Loki puts his hand around the tea. The cup was warm but he still felt numb.

\--

**2018**

Loki had been on the run from Thanos for months when the snap happened. He had been spending time on a backwater planet when half the population suddenly vanished. They turned into dust and blew away in the wind. Loki remembers the feeling of terror and knowing in that moment he had to stop running and reach out to Thor. 

Loki learnt the remaining Asgardians had made it to Midgard. He made the decision to follow, even if it meant facing some uncomfortable conversations. When he arrived on their planet, he received an unexpected reaction. The humans barely questioned Loki’s arrival, too consumed in their own grief and the chaos of trying to re-establish their various societies. Interestingly, Bruce Banner had advocated for him to be released. Loki was allowed to go with Thor to work along with the rest of the Asgardians to establish New Asgard.

Loki found out through discussions with Thor that Tony Stark appeared to be stranded in space and the Midgardians had lost contact with him after he chased Thanos’s minions. The Avengers were unsure if he was still alive. 

For some reason the news rattled Loki more than he expected. Loki could not explain why but he ends up offering to rescue Tony. Thor and the remaining Avengers were taken back by his offer but their desire to see Tony was stronger than their distrust of him, so they agree in the end. 

Thor organises a ship for him. Rhodey and Natasha bring a box of supplies for Tony to enjoy once he isrescued. Snacks, movies, a number of things he would have missed. Loki thanks them and takes off shortly after, following the pull of his seiðr across the galaxy. 

Loki’s magic pulls him towards a distress signal not far from the planet Titan. It takes a few days to reach the location but when Loki arrives, he finds what he is looking for. There is a small ship floating in the horizon, unmoving. Loki understands the distress signal, they must have run out of fuel. He is lucky to get here on time. Loki pulls his ship closer and flicks his communication on. The radio system buzzes and then quietens, indicating someone had picked up the call.

“Request to board,” Loki says clearly. 

“Granted,” comes a woman’s voice. Loki stands quickly from his seat and makes his way down to the gate, as his ship moves into sync with theirs. The metal door clangs and Loki waits for it to slide open. Slowly a face is revealed, blue with black eyes. 

“Nebula, it’s been a while,” replies Loki cooly, slightly cautious. Nebula had a notorious reputation across the galaxy and Loki is in no mood for a fight. 

Nebula grunts and asks, “Have you come to rescue us?” Nebula is leaning against the doorframe, weak. Loki notices it is taking her a lot of effort to remain standing. 

Loki nods and she lets him walk through. Her black eyes watch him with a mix of cautiousness and relief. She reaches out and grasps Loki’s arm. The grip is tight for someone weak from starvation. It must be important, so Loki stills to listen to her properly. 

“Don’t frighten him,” Nebula says. Loki turns around to look at her, frowning. She continues, “Tony, don’t frighten Tony.”

Loki inclines his head in agreement and heads through the hallway. After a minute, he spots Tony’s figure slumped in the cockpit of the ship. The Midgardian looks exhausted, face pale, cheeks sunken. Loki moves closer and Tony raises his head, looking carefully up at him.

“Have I died?” he asks, voice thick with exhaustion. 

“No. You’re very much still alive,” replies Loki. “I’ve come from Earth to rescue you.” 

After some weak protesting, Loki and Nebula help Tony onto the Asgardian ship. Tony was initially reluctant to let Loki help but agrees after he acknowledges Nebula was too weak to support him. Once they enter the Asgardian ship, Loki quickly starts to organise food and drink. 

Tony and Nebula sit exhausted at a metal table, both looking like a shadow of their former selves. Loki finishes making them something to eat and places the meal down in front of them.

“Eat slowly. I have been on the verge of starvation before and you won’t do yourselves any favours if you scoff it down,” he says firmly.

Nebula dips her spoon into the food and takes her first mouthful. She tries to hide her gratitude under a calm facade. Tony eats quietly beside her. 

Nebula is the one who asks questions first. “What are we walking into? What is the galaxy like?”

Loki thought it was fair to be truthful. They both needed to know the implications from the snap. 

“It is chaos. I was travelling through a remote planet when the snap occurred. Thanos was successful, he has wiped out fifty percent of the universe,” answers Loki.

“I am sorry,” she says, looking down at her meal. “I should have done more to stop my father.”

“Don’t,” responds Tony. 

Loki tries to change the topic to something other than dwelling on regrets. “I’ve been on Midgard. Thor and others provided me a ship to rescue you both.” 

Tony perks up slightly at the familiar name. “Thor? Is he still alive?” he asks. 

Loki glances at him and answers, “He is. He’s negotiated an area of land in Norway to start New Asgard. He’s… doing better.” 

“New Asgard?”

Loki realises Tony has no idea what happened to Asgard. Before they had landed on Midgard, Tony and two others had already gotten themselves caught in space. He explains, “Asgard was destroyed, not by Thanos, by someone else. We were on our way to Midgard when Thanos intercepted our ship.”

Tony frowns, looking into his near empty bowl. “I keep thinking this is a dream and you’re going to stab me,” he says. 

“I wouldn’t go to all this effort to feed you if I was just going to kill you,” replies Loki. 

Nebula looks at Tony, mouth tight. Loki suspects she is worried about him. He wonders about the conversations they have had following the snap. Loki is aware Tony travelled into Space with two others, Peter Parker and Stephen Strange, but they are not here with them. He doesn't ask why, he suspects he already knows the answer. 

“That’s true,” admits Tony, before he tries to hide an involuntary yawn. “Who else is alive?”

Loki clears his throat uncomfortably and waits for Tony to make eye contact again. “It’s a long story. When you have rested, I will fill you in.”

Tony is unhappy with his answer. “Is Pepper alive?”

“Yes, she is.” 

A look of relief spills across Tony’s face before it crumples and he starts crying. 

\--

Tony appears to relax a few days after the rescue and starts to talk to Loki. He asks a lot of questions about what had happened, who lived and died. It is a difficult conversation but Loki answers to the best of his ability. Tony struggles but keeps his composure throughout. Loki was half expecting him to complain about the unfairness of Loki remaining alive, while his friends had vanished in the snap. 

Tony works hard to regain his strength and Loki watches over him, making sure he keeps eating and stays preoccupied to take his mind off his grief and sense of failure. This means Loki often ends up talking to Tony or playing chess with him, a Midgardian game Rhodey and Natasha had put in the care package. They knew him well because Tony would have gone crazy on the ride back without something intellectually stimulating to keep him busy. 

“You’re very good at this,” comments Tony one day, looking strangely at Loki.

“We’re more alike than you think Stark,” responds Loki, as uses his seiðr to reset the chess pieces back into their correct positions. “My mind too rebels at stagnation.” 

They form a fragile truce in the spaceship, surrounded by the darkness of space and the faint glittering of stars. During the last few hours before they land, Tony seeks Loki out after dinner. 

“Yes, Stark? Do you want something?” asks Loki.

Tony has more energy to his steps and his face is starting to regain colour. It will be a while until he gains the weight back but Loki knows he will get the best care once they land. He is relieved Tony is looking better. 

“No, just.. It’s been a weird few days. I thought I was going to die on that ship and had accepted I wasn’t going to see home again. I even recorded my farewell message.. which I hope no one listens too now,” he says quietly. “My life has been turned upside down. You rescuing Nebula and I isn’t the strangest thing that has happened but it is still a lot to get my head around.”

“Things have changed Stark,” replies Loki, as if it was that simple. 

“I know, I know. It’s just.. I’m trying to say I’m grateful,” adds Tony, looking carefully at Loki with bright eyes. “You’re the first person I have spoken to that has made me feel like we didn’t lose terribly. Please… please don’t be a stranger once we land?” Loki can see the emotion written all over Tony’s face. He is is being genuine. 

\--

**2024**

Loki knows Thor worries about him. Ever since Tony died, he feels untethered, like he is floating along without a purpose. He had never experienced grief like this. It was a hundred times worse than when he had lost his mother. 

It was all consuming. Every memory of Tony played repeatedly in his head. Snippets of past conversations would float around his thoughts, making it hard to concentrate. He would try to go about his life and then he would see something Tony would have liked, a realisation which left him breathless and consumed by grief. 

Sometimes he has a good day which will then be followed by a week where it is hard to get out of bed. He frequently daydreams about Tony. His smile and his face. The way Tony looked at him, how Tony sounded when they had sex. Tony talked so much and it didn’t stop in the bedroom. 

Loki remembers how Tony felt when they would lay in bed before falling asleep. How Tony would look up at him with his expressive brown eyes and then move across and kiss him gently. _Goodnight Loki_ he’d say before he rolled over, always preferring to fall asleep facing the door. It was a side effect from all the trauma Tony had experienced. He always wanted to face the door when he slept in case someone came barging through in the middle of the night. Loki had never made fun of it. He accepted it without question and knew deep down, he came with his own bucket of baggage Tony had accepted as well.

He both loves and hates the daydreams. They are some of his last connections to Tony but they also make him want to scream. 

Loki finishes the tea Brunnhilde has made for him with a last gulp. He places the cup down carefully and stands up, taking a deep breath against the nausea churning in his stomach. _You’ll get used to it_ Tony would have said, _once you’re a functioning alcoholic, the withdrawals are worse than the hangover._

Loki makes his way through the headquarters at New Asgard until he finds Thor. His brother is happy to see him, not caring that the meeting he is in ends up being interrupted. 

“Loki, you’re up!” he exclaims while he waves his hand to usher the other person out of the room. Loki sees them glance at him with a frown before departing.

“Brunnhilde mentioned you wanted to speak to me,” says Loki, not feeling Thor’s enthusiasm. 

“Yes I did. Do you remember the meeting we have scheduled with the EU?” asks Thor. Loki shakes his head and Thor’s smile slips. “Well, I wanted you to come with me. There is an upcoming meeting to review the trade deal with EU representatives. They want to invest more money at helping increase our production. Stark Industries is behind i-”

“No,” responds Loki immediately. 

“Loki, please-”

“No. I should have not come here,” he retorts. 

“It’s not good for you to stay in your quarters,” reasons Thor, trying to salvage what he can from this conversation which is quickly spiraling out of control. 

Loki feels himself shaking. “How dare you invite me to this meeting,” he spits. “You think I want anything to do with, with-” He cannot say the name of Tony’s company. Thor reaches out to him then drops his arm, looking chagrin. 

“Thor. I can’t be what you want me to be right now,” he says finally before he turns on his heel and storms out. 

\--

Thor is not the only one who worries about him. Pepper often visits him after Tony’s death. They frequently spend their time together talking about Tony, both lost in their individual grief and taking solace in supporting each other.

Loki has always admired Pepper’s strength. She had put up with Tony’s problems for years before they even ended up in a relationship. Loki also understands how painful it would have been for her when Tony threw their relationship away for him instead. Pepper had been a constant in his life for so long, the most logical person he would end up with, but instead Tony had fallen head over heels for Loki. 

Tony often said he could not believe Pepper had not only forgiven him for breaking her heart, but reached a point where she was supportive of Tony and Loki’s relationship. 

“Perhaps a change of environment will be good for you,” she says one day, “Like a holiday or trip, not leaving permanently…. I find work and travel keeps me busy and takes my mind off things.” 

Loki looks at her with a frown. Pepper sighs and brushes ginger hair out of her eyes. She leans closer towards him, reaching out to grasp his hand. She looks at him closely, there is no malice in her words, only concern. She is a good friend.

“I’m not trying to kick you out of New Asgard. I’m just worried about you.” 

Loki wants to lie and say he is doing fine. But he feels crushed under the weight of losing Tony.

“I’ll consider it,” he says quietly and looks away. He keeps drinking every night until he cannot feel his grief anymore. It is the only way he can fall asleep.

\--

**2019**

Loki and Tony slowly become friends once they return to Midgard. Tony often visits Europe for scientific conferences or other diplomatic concerns following the snap. He would always make an excuse to visit New Asgard when he was nearby. After a while, he stops using work as an excuse and visits purely to see Loki. 

Not everyone knew about their friendship. New Asgard had diplomatic immunity and was granted the right to remain isolated, hidden like Wakanda, until the Asgardians felt ready to interact with the rest of the world. Everyone who visited New Asgard had specific approval from Thor or himself, and therefore there were no prying eyes of those who would express judgement against their friendship.

They spent many evenings talking and flirting with each other, but Tony had still been with Pepper then. Flirting was just flirting, it was nothing more. 

Eventually his relationship with Pepper ends and Loki finds himself itching for Tony in a way that he had not yet put in words. So when Tony stumbles into his room one evening, jittery and proud about a new invention, Loki’s last resolve cracks. Within seconds he is walking quickly over to Tony and pressing him into a wall.

Tony looks up with him with his brown eyes, surprised. Loki remains still, his eyes falling from Tony’s down to his lips. He opens his mouth to say something but he cannot get the words out.

“Loki... What are you doing?” asks Tony.

Loki looks carefully at Tony and brings his hand up to touch his cheek. Tony feels warm under his touch.

“Loki..” whispers Tony. A strained second passes before Loki leans down and kisses him. Tony’s lips are warm and perfect. Parted slightly as he gasped. It is perfect. Loki had dreamed of kissing this mouth for months now. 

He feels Tony melt in his arms and kiss him fervently back. Tony opens his mouth eagerly and his hands quickly come around Loki’s waist, pulling him closer. Tony was so eager for him. They kissed like lovers who had been separated by tragic circumstances. Perhaps they had been. Too scared to act on developing feelings with their complicated history hanging over them. 

They kiss and kiss until they stumble to the nearest couch. Loki pushes Tony down and crawls over him, pressing biting kisses against his neck. Tony reaches out and puts his fingers on Loki’s lips, causing him to pull back slightly.

“We both have too many clothes on,” murmurs Tony, slightly out of breath. He quickly undos the crisp collar around his neck and buttons of his shirt. Loki watches, transfixed, as more of Tony’s skin is revealed to him. Once Tony’s shirt is undone, Loki pushes it away and uses his seiðr to magic away his clothes. He presses up close to Tony again, catching his mouth in a bruising kiss. He feels the warmth of their bare chests against each other. 

They are desperate for each other. Preparation is quick, impatient. Loki keeps staring at Tony’s face as he pushes into him. Tony’s eyes widen slightly with wonder before desire overtakes his gaze. 

“Move,” asks Tony, grabbing Loki’s hip in a tight grip. Loki does not need to be told twice. They end up fucking on the couch, too keyed up to get to a bed. Loki cannot take his eyes off Tony’s face. The way his eyes roll into the back of his head, the way he moans and gasps, the way he swears and keeps saying Loki’s name again and again. Loki watches, entranced with how Tony’s face keeps twisting with pleasure.

 _I am going to fall in love with this man._ He thinks. _He is nothing like I have had before._

The thought stays with him long after Tony gets dressed in the morning, gives him a kiss goodbye and returns to New York. 

\--

They frequently see each other again after that night. They make love in Loki’s bed, his couch, in the shower and against the desk in his room. Tony is exciting and Loki cannot get enough of him. They spend most of Tony’s visits in Loki’s quarters. He suspects Thor knows what is going on but they are left alone to their privacy. 

Eventually Tony suggests they leave New Asgard and go for a trip somewhere. They decide on Amsterdam. They spend the evening having dinner and afterwards walking along various canals, taking in the sights and sounds of a new place. It is summer so Tony is dressed in a shirt and shorts. Loki uses his seiðr to give them some privacy and to blend in with the thousands of other tourists who have descended on the city. He does not want a photo of them all over the media tomorrow. 

Loki spends most of the night staring at Tony, drinking in his smiles and their easy conversation. He feels at peace. Tony catches Loki staring at him and just laughs. 

Tony eventually suggests they duck in an alleyway between two buildings, away from the main road and crowds. Loki kisses him in the dark, his face barely illuminated. It is not the most romantic hiding spot, there is a rubbish bin nearby, dozens of weeds pushing in through the cracks in the pavement, and a stale smell in the air. However it is a bit of privacy they feel desperate for. 

“I want to put my mouth on you,” whispers Tony, between frantic kisses. 

Loki groans and pushes him further back against the wall. _Well, it is a long walk back to the hotel_ he thinks. 

\-- 

**2022**

Loki remembers the moment when his perfect life had started to unravel. Tony returns to New Asgard one evening after a business trip in the United States, deep in contemplative thought.

“You are troubled,” he says, concerned at the change in his lover. Something has gone wrong to have caused this. 

“I had visitors this week,” responds Tony.

“Who?”

“Steve, Natasha and Scott Lang… Ant Man. They wanted to talk to me about a plan they had to fix the damage Thanos has caused,” reports Tony. “Scott wasn’t here when the snap happened, he was stuck in something called the quantum realm. He managed to escape it a few months ago and has been trying to get used to our new reality. But, he had a crazy idea that we could go back in time to reverse all the damage Thanos has caused by stealing the infinity stones. It’s like the movie Back to the Future but with his quantum device.” Tony shakes his head in disbelief. 

“I don’t understand the reference,” says Loki with a growing feeling of worry.

Tony waves his hand dismissively. “It’s a movie. I told them to get stuffed and that it was impossible.”

“Is it really?”

Loki already knows the answer. Before Tony can speak, he stands up abruptly and walks out of the room. He quickly storms down the hallway in a hurry to get outside. He needs fresh air. When he pushes the door open, he hears Tony rushing after him. Loki steps out into the evening. His breath coming out in small puffs in the cold. 

“Go away,” hisses Loki, refusing to turn around. Tony grabs his arms and pulls him back.

“Loki, please,” he begs, desperation evident in his voice. 

Loki turns around, anger drumming through his body. “I know you. I know what you’re going to do.”

“I haven’t even made a-”

“Yes you have,” argues Loki, his heart breaking. “I thought you were happy here. I thought you were happy with _me_ .” His voice cracks on the last word as anger quickly gives way to devastation. He feels like crying. _How dare Tony do this to him._ They have been lovers for three years. No one else in the universe has ever shone as brightly as Tony does to him.

Loki had fallen deeply and madly in love with this Midgardian. With his brilliant mind, sense of humour, and genuine interest in wanting to understand Loki. Loki had never felt happier since Tony had re-entered his life following the rescue from Titan. He felt like he had finally found someone that matched him perfectly. Someone he will never tire of. 

Tony looks heartbroken. “Loki, I am happy with you. You mean the world to me.”

“Then why would you risk this?” Loki demands, voice thick with pain. “If you travel back in time, we may not have this any longer.” _I am terrified I will lose you remains unsaid._

“I… I know we’re happy but the world is not. There’s people missing, families, friends, partners..” 

“You are not responsible for everyone,” argues Loki but despite his anger, he pulls Tony into a strong embrace. Tony buries his face into Loki’s chest, shoulders shaking with grief. Loki presses his cheek against Tony’s head and tries to comfort his lover. He will continue to argue his case over the next few hours but he knows deep down Tony has already made up his mind. 

\--

**Months later…**

Loki remembers the moment it happened clearly. He relives it every night he tries to sleep. It hangs over him like a dark cloud. The noise and screams. The smell of blood and smoke in the air. The way the sky glowed orange from the burning building surrounding them. 

Thanos had travelled to Midgard to collect all of the infinity stones at The Avengers compound. They had been taken by surprise. No one had been expecting it. 

The ensuing battle against Thanos and his forces was difficult. Thanos almost had the infinity gauntlet at one point, however they manage to get it off him with considerable effort. Tony had been growing more and more desperate as the battle continued and in a blink of an eye, made the decision to use the infinity gauntlet himself. 

Loki yells at Tony, his worst fears quickly becoming reality. He is too far away. He cannot get there quickly enough. Tony holds his head high as he stares up at Thanos, resolute in his choice. He says words no one else hears and then snaps his fingers. 

Loki screams and screams as Tony’s body slumps, unmoving. Thor holds him tightly, saying words Loki no longer can remember. Loki eventually pulls loose and scrambles to where Tony was. He stills at the wide brown eyes staring at him. Unblinking. Dead. _Dead._

Through Loki’s numbness, he feels Thor place his hand on his shoulder and squeeze. 

“I am so sorry, brother,” Thor says quietly, his voice shaking. 

\--

**2024**

Loki takes Pepper’s advice and goes travelling for a period of time. One of the hardest things about grieving a famous person is seeing their face splashed everywhere following their death. While not everyone on Midgard knew Tony had sacrificed himself to save them, they knew he played a role in Thanos’s defeat and he was celebrated as the hero he was. Loki was grateful he lived in New Asgard, because if he was in New York, he would inevitably run into a photo of Tony on a magazine cover or catch a glimpse of him on TV. 

Loki travels to a number of different planets in an attempt to distract himself. Loki attends various events, helps out on missions for old friends, and enjoys various feasts where he eventually drinks himself to the point he struggles to walk. Loki can tell he is quickly running out of favour with the constant displeasing looks sent his way. He feels everyone knows he is a broken man. 

One evening an elderly woman approaches him to pass on her condolences. Loki wants to throw his drink in her face but she remains firm. “I lost my husband four years ago, we had been together for a long time.” She says and then pauses, appearing to consider her next words carefully. “You need to decide whether you keep drowning or if it's time to come up for air and swim out of the water.” 

Loki feels much worse after the conversation with the elderly woman. It starts to approach the twelve month anniversary of Tony’s death and Loki returns to Migard. He returns to New Asgard and keeps up his bad habits, drinking most nights with the hope he will pass out and not have to relive Tony’s death again in his mind. 

Thor and Brunnhilde grow more concerned. Loki hears whispers among the Asdgardians about his madness. The tragic tale of how the Prince of Asgard is going mad with grief. He jokes about it to Brunnhilde one day and ends up with a slap across the face.

“Hella stole everything I cared about. I witnessed her wipe out all the other Valkyrie for your fucking family. I almost drank myself into an early grave on Sakaar,” says Brunnhilde. “You need to stop this. You have people here that care about you-”

“Tony isn’t here,” interrupts Loki.

“I know he isn’t but he wouldn’t want you wasting your life away. He loved you. He wants the best-”

Loki cannot hear anymore of the conversation and leaves. _Loved. Not loves._ He thinks. _Because Tony isn't here anymore._

He wanders for days until his deep desperation brings him to an unmarked building in New York city. He collapses against the doors and presses his hand against the wood, eyes shut tightly. All he feels is emptiness. He can’t breathe. _He can’t-_ The door swings open and he is allowed in. Like a zombie, he walks the halls until he reaches a man as snarky as his beloved. Loki cannot meet his eyes. He looks at the floor, vision blurred by tears.

“Why have you come here?” Doctor Strange asks. 

“I need your help,” whispers Loki. Strange is quiet for a moment.

“Magic always has a cost,” he warns. 

Loki knows. He knows the price will be huge. Loki takes a shuddering breath and shakes his head. “I don’t care. Bring him back.”

“As you wish.”

The world suddenly goes dark. 

\--

When Loki opens his eyes again, he is surrounded by whirling white wind and faint outlines of a world in the distance. He turns around frantically and sees faint shapes of people, once alive. 

_This is the realm of those who had passed and had an honourable death._ He realises. _Tony must be here. Somewhere. They would have never sent him to Helheim._

Loki stands gingerly on his feet and tries to keep balance in the strong winds. He cannot see Tony but feels a pull to keep walking north. He thinks this might be how Strange is helping him. Loki starts walking. He passes faint shades of people who have passed. _Spirits._ They often call out to him and ask him to stop. 

_“Do you know my name? Can you help me find my way back?”_

_“Have you seen my daughter? Well, I think I have a daughter… I need to find her.”_

He knows it is dangerous to stop and talk to them. He has heard tales as a child of those who have ventured into this realm to find their loved ones, only to get lost among the thousands of spirits who live here. They end up withering away and becoming part of the realm if they stay too long. The spirits want company. They do not want to see people pass through into the realm of the living. 

Loki feels like he has been walking for days. He keeps passing endless faint buildings and hills. He ends up following a stream that his body tells him is the right way. Eventually it comes across a small hut in the middle of the woods. He walks up to the door and faintly taps it. 

He hears movement inside and the door opens. _Tony._ The familiar face looks out to him. 

“You… look familiar,” says Tony in confusion. “Are you here to help me?”

Loki nods, while struggling to hold off his tears. He cannot believe it. “Yes, I am here to help you.”

“How do we know each other?” asks Tony, curious. He seems taken back by the emotion in Loki’s face.

“We were lovers back on Earth. I lost you.”

“Oh.” Tony smirks, and looks Loki up and down. “Well, I must have had good taste.” Loki feels his tears leaking out, he cannot hold them back anymore. Tony is here. He has found him.

“We need to get going now,” says Loki, “I cannot stay here for long.” He feels the pull to walk west, which he knows is Strange’s doing. Strange has helped highlight the way to find Tony and the way out of the realm. Loki knows without Strange’s assistance he would have been lost. He would have wasted away and joined the spirits here, slowly losing his memories and becoming part of the landscape of white and wind. 

“Come on, follow me,” asks Loki and offers his hand. Tony looks down, hesitant, then grasps it. Tony’s hand feels cold in his. Faint. “We need to walk. I need you to follow me. I know the way out of here.”

Tony nods and they begin walking. 

The walk out of the realm takes forever. Tony keeps asking questions about Loki and their relationship, how they met. He is forever inquisitive and curious, even in death. 

Loki does not want to upset Tony so he talks and tells a sanitised version of how they met and fell in love. Tony listens intently and his mouth pulls at some points, like he disagrees with the version of events. Tony did not seem to believe him. The spirits must have vague recollections of their past lives. 

Loki notices Tony keeps staring at him, as if he’s soaking a memory that was lost to him. 

“Sorry,” mutters Tony when he realises he has been caught.

“It’s okay,” replies Loki. “We’re almost there. I can feel it.” He thanks the Norns that Strange did not abandon him here. 

As they keep walking, Loki notices the world around them grows more opaque. _Please._

\--

Loki wakes up to an unfamiliar room, his body aching with exhaustion. He stares at a wooden ceiling and feels himself laying on some kind of bed. There is a doona cover pulled up around him. He feels warm, cared for. Someone that cares about him has put him here. 

There is a sudden movement beside him and he feels a person grasp his hand.

“Loki?!” 

Loki turns to his side slowly and sees Tony staring at him, relief visible across his features. 

Tony looks beautiful. He looked exactly the same as the night before Thanos raided the Avengers compound. 

“Doctor Strange told me what you agreed too,” Tony says, tone serious. “You’re crazy, you know? How am I ever going to be able to top this? There’s no gift I could give you that comes even close to this.”

Loki holds Tony’s hand and feels the steady beat of his pulse. _It was worth it,_ he thinks. He will live with whatever consequence. 

Tony keeps looking at him, waiting for Loki to speak again. However Loki cannot find the words to explain what drove him to this. The combination of grief and madness that had snuck in and buried themselves deep into his bones and very being. One day he will need to tell Tony. He knows when they eventually have that conversation, Tony will get upset and yell at him. They'll be tears and words they will later regret but he hopes Tony eventually understands why he did it. Why he was unable to move on. 

“Did he tell you what the cost was?” Loki asks eventually. 

Tony says nothing and instead turns Loki’s hand over with the palm facing up. There is a deep gash across his palm, barely healed. Loki stares and feels the sinking feeling as he realises what Strange’s magic had taken from him in exchange for Tony’s life. 

Tony rubs his finger gently across the red gash. It stings. 

“My immortality,” Loki says, the words feeling heavy in his mouth. Tony nods, confirming it to be true. Loki closes his eyes and presses his head back into the pillow. He takes a few deep breaths and notes he can still feel his seiðr. He still has his powers. 

“Thor’s going to kill me,” he mutters into his pillow.

Tony lets out a watery laugh next to him. “I love you,” he says. Loki smiles. 

_Fin._


End file.
